In a letter to Womyn one of our readers asks the question ... and gets an answer from a staff writer.

I am twenty years old, mom and dad's eldest - the good girl who aced Matric and will be the first of her immediate family to score a degree. I had a steady boyfriend for two years, and now I have a steady girlfriend. My mother knows, and she's learning to accept that I'm still her little girl...with a few quirks. Daddy pays the varsity fees, so I'll let the insurance accumulate some interest and save the shocks for later.

My point, womyn of the world, is that you know me. I think Angelina Jolie is a babe, and I know all of Gina Gershon's lines in "Bound". You and I have exchanged shy smiles in a pool hall somewhere, but you've never seen me swapping spit with that sex goddess who looks like Buffy. And although my discretion has a lot to do with being utterly freaked out by icky, nasty Public Displays of Affection, it's also fuelled by fear.

I know that one swift kick to the nuts and a howl of "Homophobe!" will sort out that fool trying to wangle himself a place between my girlfriend and I. But what about the rugger buggers (typical macho men) who followed me home one night last year telling me that a good fuck was all I needed? So I'd kissed a girl, alcohol and those tricky hormones getting the better of me. And they'd watched, gloating from a corner, their slurs insulting but their intentions - I assumed - not malicious. Now here they were, staggering after me, big boys, all muscle and testosterone in the worst combination. "Fucking dyke. You just need a big, hard cock."

I ran away, self-preservation stifling any urge my five-foot-seven body might have to attempt karate. Sisters can surely do it for themselves, but only if they wear good running shoes. I don't think that watching "chick flicks" rife with subtle undertones of lesbian lust makes me gay. I don't believe that exchanging glances with the beyootiful bartender at my local watering hole makes me gay. But I also don't believe that I know nearly enough about the politics associated with homosexuality in South Africa and the world. I am learning, slowly working through my own issues, sticking one foot out of the closet and choosing to keep the physicality of my relationship behind closed doors - for now.

Does that mean those hard-line homos who call me a "bad lesbian" are justified? If I choose to celebrate a beautiful love only with the people I trust, am I doing gay pride a disservice? I am learning what it means to be gay. I want to learn the laws, read the literature, absorb the nuances. And if, even after that learning curve, I am still wary, if my hand on her thigh remains under the table, away from prying eyes - do not dismiss me as a traitor or a poser. Think of me as the quiet girl marching at the back, my hands in my pockets and my heart very firmly, very truly in the right place.

Dear Lupe Watching "chick flicks" and spading the luscious bartender does not make you "gay". What makes you gay is your sexual and emotional attraction to womyn. Nobody expects you to come out of the womb fully formed, a card-carrying dyke in over-all's, wearing sensible shoes. Take your time coming to terms with your sexuality and don't rush coming out to your family. You will know when the time is right. On the other hand, don't be so anxious to avoid being labelled that you deny yourself the support of the queer community around you. There are people who can help you deal with the nasty homophobes you faced, people who can offer you advice support. In short, people who've been there. Coming out can be daunting; you have already experienced some of the more disturbing consequences. You should also be aware of the overwhelming benefits. There is a certain freedom, a more powerful way of being in the world, when you face the world with truth and pride. You not only empower yourself, you empower those around you. Coming out in a process. Take your time, but don't limit yourself either. Do what feels right. Good luck with your journey of discovery. We hope to see you along the way and don't be afraid to ask for directions. Yours queerly Larissa "Hard-line Homo" Klazinga WOMYN Staffer

The views and opinions expressed in this publication, are not necessarily the viewpoints on Womyn Ink. Publishers or its staff.